


What's out there for you?

by DaemonRose



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Captives, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Season 9
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-02
Updated: 2014-03-02
Packaged: 2018-01-14 06:36:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1256449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaemonRose/pseuds/DaemonRose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiels thoughts after 9x14 “Captives” a bit what could he think, what could happen, slightly implied Destiel or wincestiel if you want to. :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	What's out there for you?

When I look back there was only one thing that mattered to me. God. My father. I was loyal, obeyed the orders without question them. I thought that was what I had to do, what I was supposed to do. I thought everything I did was right because the order came from Him. That changed in a way I could have never expected. It happened so fast and it was overwhelming. Back then of course I didn’t had a clue what was happening and I just kept on following my orders. But it wasn’t like before. I began to doubt them. God was gone and I didn’t know what was right or wrong anymore. My world had turned upside down. And there was a feeling that was growing stronger and stronger and it told me to do what I thought was the right thing. The right thing the feeling told me was humanity. To be specific, the Winchesters.

I think that was also the beginning when everything changed. From the point when I raised Dean Winchester from hell. With him back on earth I began to rebel against the orders. I killed many of my brothers because I thought it was for the right reason. For what I thought was the right thing. The right thing that was Sam and Dean Winchester.

They risked their lives so many times for what my father had created, they went through so much pain and lost so much and never asked for any reward. And also I failed them so many times; I did so many things that I consider as not at all right. It has been them who set it all right again.  
When I got cast out for my rebellion they welcomed me in their little family, they gave me hope and purpose when all seemed lost. Most of the time I don’t feel like I deserve any of it at all. Of course I’m trying my best to earn the place among them as a brother and a friend.  
Now that I have experienced humanity I understand these terms even better and came to the realisation that they are so much more to me and I wish I could be so much more to them. Angels have emotions, they can feel like humans they are just not allowed to and have trained not to. So I did not understand them at first but I learned to.

I understand now why it hurt so much when Dean said we are not family and it must have hurt him, too when I said to him that I have no family. Even though that was not true. They had been more like a family to me than any of my brothers ever had been.  
Even now when I can’t stay with them because Dean had sent me away. It hurt but I understand that too. He had to do what was best for his brother Sam because he loves him. I understand that because I love them too. I would do anything for them because they did so much for me. I don’t need them to do anything for me though. That I understand is supposed to be love.  
So, what is out there for me? It’s simple. It’s a life. Many lives to be exact. Lives I want to protect. And love. And friends. And maybe a family.

When I look to my future, it is uncertain. I don’t know if I can go back to heaven. I don’t even know if I want to. Maybe I want to stay here. Maybe I can stay with them some time.  
The sound of footsteps and a rough voice saying “Hey,” pulls me out of my thoughts and back to reality. I’m back in the park, standing on fluffy green grass under a tree. Green and hazel eyes on me, the two men are holding paper cups of coffee and they smile at me. I smile back and my last thought before we go back to fix the angel problem is that I am not alone and that we can do this because we would make it through together.


End file.
